the best jokes

A priest and a rabbi lived across the street from each other and the church and synagogue were also across the street from each other. They decided to buy a cheap car and carpool to work each day. The day they bought the car, the rabbi looked out his window to see the priest watering the car...

"what are you doing?" he asked... "this is a brand new car and certainly isn't dirty yet."

"i'm baptising it." the priest said.

"is that so?" said the rabbi. He ran into his house, came back out with a hacksaw and cut 2 inches off the tailpipe.



Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out ofgas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from  
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'






 The Talking Frog 

pastor was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
      
      The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week"
      
      The pastor took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
      
      The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and give you anything you want."
      
      Again the pastor took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
      
      Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and give you anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
      
      The pastor said, "Look I'm an pastor. I already have a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"




Jimmy, a priest and a rabbi were talking one day and during the course of the conversation, Jimmy casually asks the rabbi, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Jimmy then asks the priest, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The rabbi then asks the priest, "Better than pork, isn't it?"



A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”


There’s the story of three monks waiting at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter approached them shaking his head and told them, “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that at the present time we have no room for you, but we should in perhaps three months. The good news is that you may go back to earth as anything you want—anything that will provide you with joy.”
Well, the three thought it over and the first one said, “I have always wanted to be an eagle soaring over the rockies.”
So POOF he was an eagle soaring over the rockies.
The second one said, “I have always wondered what it would be like to be a dolphin swimming in the open seas.”
So POOF—he became a dolphin.
The third shuffled his feet and looked up and said in a sheepish voice, “I have spent my life denying myself and my desires, but I have always wondered what it would be like to be a stud. I would like to be a stud.
So POOF, he was a stud.
Now, three months later St. Peter called one of the angels and told him he must go and find the three monks. The angel asked him where he could find them. Peter told him, “The first two will be easy. One is an eagle flying over the rockies, the second is a dolphin swimming in the sea, but the third is going to be a little tougher. He’s on a snow tire somewhere in Michigan.”


THE PASTOR'S CAT ( i have used this one in a sermon!)
This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me no end. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor? Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!

The Power of Prayer
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have 2 female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do the say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment, "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have 2 male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your 2 parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you, " the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in , she saw that his 2 male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed: "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"


( not interfaith, but one of the funniest ones i know)
A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says, "Well, that's great..........that's really great.......... Some asshole's got my pen!


In a small mid western conservative town, Stonewall, Okla. , a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a
lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks
were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the
church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the
demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to
the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at
the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but
as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the
power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.

IRISH HUMOR

1. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


2. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

3. Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin'  from?"


4.An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



5. Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



6. Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.   
 
 She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?    The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."    "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.  So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. 
 
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.  Why did they applaud for   me just because I went to the restroom?" 
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.  "Would you like a drink?"  "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. 
 
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."