I have always had a personal relationship with God. I have always felt my hand was held, that I was protected, loved and guided. Almost always. I do remember a period from age 18 to 25 when it felt more like God had gone behind the clouds, and I was on my own... but then it was developmentally appropriate for me to test my own wings, see if I could do it myself. It was a terrifying and painful period in some ways, but also reassuring that good things (blessings) still seemed to be showered upon me if even I didn’t “believe” in the old ways. I tried many different ways of understanding God from my reading about earth-based religions, Hinduism, Buddhism, and spiritualism. I read alot of metaphysics, like Rudolph Steiner, and stories of Life after Death. I broadened my understanding that God could be known and defined in many ways and would not abandon us, even if we abandoned Him.

Then I got reconnected with my church for about five years, because, I couldn’t find any better way to celebrate, and honor and feel God’s love than the Episcopal liturgy. I developed a more intimate relationship with Jesus, which felt like a homecoming. I was the prodigal sister, welcomed back by my spiritual big brother. I so adored him that my heart soared with the identification of him as God (in the doctrine of the Trinity). So while “God” became more broad, I fulfilled the need for a personal God with Jesus.

The next shift came during a period of self-searching, which was like Persephone’s, going down into the underworld, into the shadow, and working with dreams, the unconscious and mandalas. In therapy, through art work and many kinds of explorations (past-life regression, dreams, meditation,) I became aware of divinity as Whole, and as I integrated my psyche, I felt more empowered. Unexpectedly, for me, the structure of my former theology fell crashing around my ears. As I came to understand it, through therapy, I had always projected my power onto the godhead and suddenly it all looked like the little man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. And, I was exploring a lifetime’s worth of feelings about my self as female, in my patriarchal family system. As I questioned and then rejected my human father and older brother as role models, the clay Gods of my childhood/early adulthood fell over too. As I withdrew the projection and took my power back into myself, the godhead of the Trinity no longer held any luminosity or mystery for me. I was bereft and in mourning, but also rejoiced in my newfound energy. I lost “church”, but found my calling as an artist and teacher. Then followed almost twenty years of theological independence. (And I might add, depression-- it always felt like there was something missing.)

When I moved to Vermont after my father’s death, I was on a quest to honor him, and in great gratitude for the property he had left me. It was the answer to a lifetime of feeling I didn’t belong. No sooner had we moved in then I had a community I could love, I felt rooted, accepted, and safe. I was inspired by the beautiful landscape, and nurtured by a wonderful peer group of neighbors. And lo and behold, when I was invited by a neighbor to the local Episcopal church,and went, it was like I had never left. God the Father was back where He belonged (though I could have wished for more acknowledgment of God the Mother), God the Son was radiant once again in my heart, and God the Spirit -- well since, I never lost my sense of the holiness of Spirit-- it was where it had always been (the keeper of my life and my soul). Only this time, the reconnection with God came with a knowing that the next part of my life’s journey would be in direct service-- I recognized my inner need to make a soul commitment to ministry. This was an exciting part of my life, with daily deepening of my sense of call. As several years went by, I came to recognize that I was completely in love with Jesus. The matron in me chuckled, the psychologically savvy part of me recognized another projection but I just didn’t care... I was too happy. And besides who could be more completely worthy of adoration?

When one of my spiritual sisters in my meditation group (which formed in 2004) told me she was going to take a course that was channeled (by a woman "trance" channel in New Mexico) from an ascended master, and that the ascended master was called Jeshua-- and that was Jesus’s Aramaic name -- I was curious, but very cautious. I really didn’t know what to think. The idea of channeling Jesus sounded really weird, maybe even a hoax, and certainly it was risky for me - hopeful of an orthodox ordination as I was then. But the opportunity was offered with such love and integrity, that I had to at least go home and pray about it. Now I have to admit that I have always loved the stories of people meeting Jesus by the side of the road, or in unusual circumstances, when often he wasn’t recognized, and I had always prayed that if I ever had such an opportunity that I would know him. But would he work through a channeler? Wasn’t that too disreputable? But, then again I reasoned, I had read books that were channeled and they were very interesting. I believed in the idea of heaven as another dimension, a higher vibration. I believed the dead were separated from us only by this higher vibration (the way dogs can hear things we can’t hear.) I knew he was still alive in some form. Wasn’t he the king of miracles, didn’t I believe he could do anything? But would he? How could I know? So, I went home and prayed and asked my inner voice, should I do this? Yes, it replied. Should I really? Yes, it repeated. Really? YES! (How clear does it have to get?) Even if there was just the sliver of a chance that it was really Jesus, I had to do it, just in case.

Accepting the opportunity of the Apprenticeship, as it is called, was the turning point of my many lives. It would lead me to a fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams, that is ongoing and intensely fun, fascinating, and so full of grace. But it has also turned my theology on its ear! In the last two years, I have gradually come to understand that God is not only Him the Father, not Him as the Only Son. Not Her either, by herself. Not just a pervasive substance like air, prana or energy that I have known as the Holy Spirit. But - very radical notion- cover your ears-- God... is... US! All of us together! We are each microcosmically God, and, all together, with All That Is-- macrocosmically God. We are children of God, as much God as God is. God is the All- All of Life, All that Is. Divinity, Truth, Love -- these are all the same energy, and all God. We are all created from the original God susbstance, and we all are God. Not our limited human personalities, though they too are expressions of God, but the part of us that knows we are connected to all that exists through the web of life, through the connection of love, through the truth of what IS.

Very gently, patiently and lovingly, Jeshua has dissuaded me from putting him on a pedestal, from believing that his divinity is more important than my own. (isn't that typical!) However, he has explained that it is only as equals that we can truly work together. Our entire notion of hierarchy is at fault, and has been used to perpetuate an unjust, unloving social/religious/political system of domination. When he was on the earth he taught: “The kingdom of God is within you.” Parts of his teachings, and many details of his story on earth have been omitted, edited to serve the patriarchy. The most important for me, was the importance of Mary Magdalene to his life and his ministry. He told me that she is his “twin flame”, the other half of his soul. They are now reunited for all time. This gives me enormous comfort, knowing that the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine are in balance in the cosmos. This feels so right, so complete, so Whole. Knowing they work together as a team, now , as they did on earth, gives me joy.

His entire teaching through these lessons has been to reestablish trust in ourselves and in our divinity so we can be truly joyful, truly free as we were created, truly at peace in the acceptance of our divine inheritance. Only through reverence for all as God, as expressions of this common divinity, can we truly know ourselves. Only through reverence for each drop of rain, each blade of grass, each stone, each fly, each man, woman and child on the planet- as parts of Us- can we truly live in peace. And what more could we want?

He has taught me to honor the Earth as our Mother, as an expression of the Divine Feminine, as the source of our carbon-based bodies, the nurturing Being that supplies us with food, air, and water, and shares her energy with us. He has taught me to honor the Universe as Father, as protector, guide, and playmate in creation. He taught me that we were All created of the original Creative energy; paradoxically, we are the Creator and the Creation, and we create through choice. Everything we experience is our choice, not always conscious choice, but always through some level of our being, our higher self or our soul. We are all connected and we have created this world as a group, and we can change it. All of the eternal beings in the ascended realms are with us to guide us, love us, and assist us to create in our human world whatever we desire. Our purpose is to fulfill our dreams, to grow in compassion and understanding, and to create a better world. We ARE Jesus’ body on the planet, part of his team, but only effective to the extent that we trust ourseves with our divinity-- otherwise we are less-than, limited, disabled. And that is not love.

I still adore him, but as my elder brother, as my beloved friend, as my teacher. During one of my consultations with him, I asked him “What is your life, your existence like now?” and his answer was: “It is joyous. It is of course that I do not sleep, because I do not find necessity of it- I do not have a physical form that becomes weary. And so it is the opportunity to continue in movement at all times and in all ways-- and to be able to share freely with each of you who are my beloved and to look upon you as you grow and as you expand. And to look upon myself in terms of what I might offer as you become confused, or as you become tired, or what I might offer in terms of encouragement as you find yourselves excited and progressing forward. And to never mistreat myself- to never say- ah, but because that one experienced that event I was a failure. No. Because if I were to do this I could not be of assistance to any. But instead to say, ah, this one is not through with their pain yet, they are still desiring to continue in it for a time, so I will simply continue to watch them and to love them and to observe them, until they can love themselves as I am able to love them. And in this, I am able to serve them, because there is the energy of love coming toward them at all moments, even when they are not able to invite that unto themselves. So if you are busy judging yourselves- you are not offering to those around you the opportunity to continue to feel the blessing of your existence. Your existence at this point has become all about the self and the self’s motivations. But if you look upon one and say- ah, they are simply not through being committed to their pain, but I will love them anyway- until they can love themselves, then you are in service to them to a degree that they are simply not able at that moment to be of service to themselves. And in this you bring about the opportunity for them to wake up one morning and for no apparent reason, take a giant leap forward-- to find in that moment, they like more about themselves that what they realized, that they have greater love for themselves than what they realized. And so this is the context of my life now-- is to have the blessing and the opportunity to continue to love all of you, unflinchingly, to not judge you because you cannot love yourselves, but to know that that love is a natural part of your divinity and you will come to this place, you will become ready, it will become manifest-- and to witness the joy and be with the presence of joy as you do come to these places within yourselves. So that is my existence-- the joy of watching you and being with you and participating in assisting you in coming to realize Who You Are -- why you are here, and the great blessings you have available to you to present to all of your brothers and sisters on the planet. Indeed it is the joy of my existence.”

So, how does this new understanding, this new theology, change my ministry? It has brought me to a place where I know that I am serving just by Being who I AM (Love) and has taken away the edge of self-doubt, of pressure to Do, and allowed me to move forward without all the internal turmoil and conflict. I am more centered in the peace of my own being, more able to be fully present than I ever have been, and more willing to be open to new challenges, without fear, knowing they will continue to be opportunities to grow. This all comes as a huge relief, as you can imagine!
Because of Jeshua’s example, his description of how he ministers to us, I am able to be more detached from the drama of others’ pain, and still to be fully present with compassion, with love for them. I can hold reverence for them and still honor their divinity as sovereign. I don’t see people as victims, because that would mean they are victims to their soul’s choices, and I don’t believe that the soul, as part of God, would choose anything ultimately harmful to us. It is all just experience. We are God experiencing God. We are eternal, Life unending. Suffering exists, but it is truly just an experience, and when we choose to, we can see it for what it is- an option, and choose something better. I realize that this is radical, but Jesus was radical... and he still is! This is not always going to be understood or able to even be shared with those I meet, however. I then need to use my wisdom to accept their understanding and work with that, in a gently empowering way. And it has been a privilege and blessing beyond measure to discuss my ministry with Jeshua and Mary and get their direct guidance. I am deeply grateful, for all the experiences that are unfolding. And I will close with what he said to me, and I say it to each of you, “You are my teacher, you are my healer, you are my blessing.”

the Rev. Jennifer Donaldson